I live in a small, rural area of Northern Utah. This is predominantly an LDS community and I, not being LDS, was considered an old maid by the time I married my husband at 25 years old. By this time, everyone I knew already had several children. Many of them had already been divorced, and some were working on second marriages. So, it was no surprise that the man I fell in love with already had two children from a previous marriage. These boys lived with their mother and I made it clear when we began discussing marriage that I did want a child of my own. He agreed and we married.
After a year, we decided to go ahead and start trying for a child, but nothing ever happened. After five years, we knew something was wrong. I got tested for infertility. After all, my husband already had two children, so I knew I had to be the cause, but everything seemed good. In reality, my fertility seemed above average. We decided that we would just keep trying and when the time was right it would happen.
I did my best to just relax and not think about it too much, but the more I tried to ignore the problem, the more I found myself focusing on it. I found myself becoming angry and jealous when people would announce their pregnancies. Holding an infant would cause me to cry uncontrollably. The beginning of every menstraul cycle caused me to go into mourning.
Few people understood why I was so upset. It is difficult for people with children to understand the emotional problems of infertility. I finally began seeing a psychologist. I now see her every two weeks.
For others suffering from infertility, I want to remind you that you are not alone. Nor are you losing your sanity. Gather around your social supports and be honest about your feelings. If you feel that no one can help you, seek help from a proffesional. You don't need to suffer alone.
